Have You Ever Felt Like Giving Up On Life?
I have been struggling to keep my head up my entire life, and it sometimes seems like no matter what I do, I can never seem to keep my head above the troubled waters life brings my way. I know, it is said that I should not think or say things like that, because I will only draw more of the same to me. Well I have tried just about everything that others have said, shown, and taught me, and I still end up in the same situations, alone and lacking in just about every way possible. If I do not face the reality that is staring me right in the face, how can I adequately deal with it and correct it. I have tried positive thinking and affirmation and still end up with the same results. I could understand it if I were lazy, used people, and treated others with intentions of harming them. However, I am a hard worker that enjoys working, I Love people, and I always do everything that I can to make sure everyone is happy.
I have consciously been perplexed over Love since I was five years old. I remember at five walking back and forth on the sidewalk on the street I grew up on, and asking GOD why are people so mean. I had two sisters that did not like my dad or me. Their father had died when they were very young, and my dad met and married our mother sometime after that. Both of my sisters were extremely cruel to both of us. The cruelty they did to my dad hurt me more than anything they did to me over the years. I even experienced my mother being emotionally cruel to my dad. Well, I experienced cruelty from many people over the year, even those that I would bend over backwards to make happy. Nothing I did ever seemed to be good enough.
All of my life people have complimented me on how nice, loving, talented, spiritual, and kind I am. I was always the nice guy to the ladies. You know the old story, I was the nice guy that was always like the brother, and the bad guy was always their lover. I would tell the true and be myself, and it was said that I could not be the way I project myself to be. I was always trying to prove myself to others. Every time it seemed like I was on the path to turning things around, once again I would be knocked flat on my face.
I have been seeking direction in every way I could think of, trying to find the right things to do. I have not been looking for handouts, or for someone to do what is needed for me. Right now, I am 56 years old, and I am starting life over completely once again. I do not even have a place of my own to lay my head. I can not get a job because I have bad credit from the time when I was deathly ill after my marriage came to an end and my children who mean the world to me were kept away from me. Now days before you can get a job they do a credit check on you, and if it comes back bad, you do not get the job. If your credit became bad because you were out of work, how do you turn it around if you cannot get a job because your credit is bad? I have been doing home improvements on my own, but the work is not consistent enough to give me what I need to get back on my feet. On top of that I owe child support $13,000.00 for back payments missed when I was in the hospital and out of work when my children were young. All four of my children are grown and two of them have children of their own. Right after getting out of the hospital I was locked up and put in jail, and had my drivers license and tags suspended numerous times because of the arrears in child support, and I am constantly harassed by the Child Support Administration to this very day.
Try to imagine being 56 years old and not even have a place you can call your own to lay your head. I have children and even grand children that I cannot help if they need my help. From when I was a little boy I dreamt about being married and having a family I could love and take care of. However, that was not to be. What is one to do? Since getting sick and having to have major surgery, I had my large intestine taken out and have to wear a pouch for the rest of my life, when it come to trying to get in a relationship I constantly get rejected, when the reality that I had an operation and now I have to wear a pouch is revealed. Sometimes I feel like an invisible man surrounded by people. I love everyone, even those who have abused me and used me. I could not hold a grudge even if I wanted to.
My question to GREAT SPIRIT and my Higher Self is; what must I do to turn things around and be able to live without always struggling. I am not looking for GREAT SPIRIT or someone here on this physical plane to do for me. Just show me what I must do and I will do it myself. As I stated before, I Am Not Lazy, I enjoy working and helping others. Being of service to others is what I call my motivational gift and that is what gives me the greatest joy in life. Unconditional Love is my motivation and my strength. If it were not for the Love within me, I would have absolutely nothing.
I am now looking for a place to move, preferably in a rural or semi-rural area. It would be nice if it were a place with people like me, who were consciously on a Spiritual Path like me. Who knows, maybe I would even connect with a woman that I could share the rest of my life. Is that asking too much? All I want to do is Love, be Loved in return and be able to take care of all of my responsibilities and help others in need. Sometimes I feel like giving up on life. However, I just cannot do that. If nothing else happens, I will at the least die pursuing my lifelong dream of companionship and Love. Whether I like it or not, all of my experiences are a part of that which is called my life.
Please support me during this trying time with your prayers. I still believe that prayer helps.
One Love, Unconditional!
Baba-Kundi Ma`at-Shambhala
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